SWEET SPY (PROJECT 2, Narrative text)
SWEET SPY
Alice
was a girl who studied in the Monash University, she came from Indonesia, she
studied English there and she lived with her aunt.
One
day she went to campus, in the street while walking and it was rainy day,
suddenly a guy join in her umbrella and
hugged her shoulders. Certainly she shocked because she actually didn’t know
who is that guy, but she just in silent and across the street then that guy
went away after say “thank you”. Alice still shocked but she didn’t have any
time because she has a class. She learned about music and her lecture asked
them to interview a musician or person who could play and understand about
music.
On the
Sunday she went to park but she stop in front of the café shop, because she saw
the guy that she met yesterday. He was playing guitar and Alice remembered
about her task, so she wanted to ask him to teach her but she afraid to get
closer with him. About ten minutes she sat in front of the café. Suddenly that
guy came to her table and sat in front of her and said,” are you waiting for
me.?” what ? I ......just passed here so I ...”. “ oh I
got it, sorry about yesterday I was in hurry. Well I’m Ian, you ?“ I’m Alice.
Then
they are talked a lot and Alice asked him to taught her playing music and Ian
accept. Every day Alice always played with Ian, but one day while they were
practicing there were two man who always followed them and it made Ian upset
because he know that man and he accompanied Alice was walking until her house
because he wanted to know that Alice safe , but he didn’t tell to Alice what
was going on.
On the
Christmas day Ian asked Alice to date with him and Alice accepted his
invitation and that night Ian told everything about himself to Alice that he
was a son of very dangerous spy in the world. That organization had a plan to
attack the President after Christmas and it made Alice shocked because she never
thought that Ian was a spy. Ian told that it was his mistakes that made Alice
fell in love with him because his father was warned him that he wouldn’t play and
had a friends
After
heard it from Ian, she got upset and furious and Ian said “I’m so sorry Alice,
you know I love you, but I can’t stand by your side when you need me, would you
be gonna ok without me ?. ”Alice just kept silent, she wanted cry but she was
too shy then she said “I will always waiting for you Ian. I don’t care about
your job and we will met again right ?. “ I will find you again” he replied. He
hugged Alice for a moment then he run away to the boat. Alice was crying.
After
Ian leaved, Alice always listened to the music that they were usually played
together. About three years she graduated from college and she always waited
for Ian. But Ian never came again and she married with his friend Rio, but on
the her married party Ian came up and gave flower and said congratulation to
Alice and Rio. Alice was crying but Ian said he was happy shared his time with
Alice.
.
in your last paragraph there are some mistakes. first : "they were usually played" you must replace it with "they usually played".
ReplyDeletesecond : "About three years she graduated from college and she always waited for Ian" you have to replace "about three years she graduated....,she was always waiting for Ian"
*keep struggling" ^^
thank's for your comment,and your suggestion
DeleteElfi, I like your story!
ReplyDeletebut, I think the tittle of the story is not match with the story, I suggest you to change the tittle. For example, "A PIECE OF STORY ABOUT RAIN"
also, pay attention for your punctuation!
I think "while walking to the college" is nice rather than "in the street while walking"
:)
thank's for your comment, but i think "a piece of story about rain." less suitable. because the story about rain just in the beginning. but THANK YOU
Deletei like your story epi, but i don't understand why do you give the title "sweet spy", because in that story, there is no word that explain why does Ian sweet..i think you should change your title,,
ReplyDeletebut over all it's good :)
well thank's for your comment, why i choose that title ? because Ian was a spy and Alice fell in love with him for the first time they met.it's my opinion, and what do you suggest for the title ?
Deleteyou have a good story epi...
ReplyDeletebut there's something I'd like to tell you that is about your title.
Do you have another title epi??? I think it would be better if you change your title.
thank's for your comment
Deletehmmm do you have any suggestion for that?
he run away to the boat. Alice was crying.
ReplyDeleteit should be " he run away to the boat and made Alice crying ( I think)
that they were usually played together.
it should be " that they usually played together.
nd she always waited for Ian.
it should be " and she always waiting for Ian.
I'd like to read your story, its like a drama..
that's all
thank's for your comment :)
Delete"Alice was a girl who studied in the Monash University" you shouldn't add an article "the" in your sentence. because you have know the exact place it is in Monash University.
ReplyDelete"...and hugged her shoulders. Certainly she shocked because she actually didn’t know who is that guy, but she just in silent and across the street then that guy went away after say “thank you”. you should a punctuation "." before the word "then" in your sentence to make it understand it.
over all, it is a nice story. Good Job
Thank's a lot mel :)
ReplyDeleteSad ending story. But i think you should change the title.
ReplyDeleteI find there are some sentences those missing punctuation.
For example:
One day(,) she went to campus ...
Certainly(,) she shocked ...
On the Sunday(,) she went to park ...
And don't forget to change the verbs in this story based on your time signal
"Then they are talked a lot and Alice asked him to taught her playing music and Ian accept."
It should be replaced with
"Then, they were talking a lot and Alice asked him to teach her playing music and Ian accepted her request."
After "to" all of the verbs should be back into the normal form.
*Keep Moving*
pag2line1 : one day she went to campus, in the street while walking and it was rainy day, » it should be : one day when she was walking in the street, it was rainy day.
ReplyDelete